IT’S ME, THE CAT By michael leaverton
lifewithc a t t i t u d e
Do Cats Think We’re
Just Bigger Cats?
that’s the point, Stella.
a Bengal, has a firm
editorial grip on her
handler, freelance writ-
er Michael Leaverton,
whom she rescued from
an alt weekly many meals ago. They live
in San Diego.
You can’t race around for hours
in the dark like a maniac if you’re
asleep, idiot. You’re also a bunch
Every day you get in your car
and go to the vet.
i go to work, Stella.
Don’t kid me. Cars are for
going to the vet. And humans go
to the vet a lot, judging by what
I see driving by our house. Such
a sickly species. I can’t believe
you’ve survived this long.
any other ways we’ve failed
Too much microfiber. Who
buys cat trees made out of microfiber?
that’s MY furniture, Stella.
And just once I wish you’d prepare the food I bring home.
i won’t eat dismembered
Says a man who eats vegetables. And that reminds me: Why
We all know what people think of cats — cuddly, inde- pendent, liable to
vomit on the nearest area rug
— but what do cats think about
humans? Scientists say cats think
we’re just bigger cats and treat
us accordingly, but surely more
is going on than that. I decided
to ask my cat, Stella, if she thinks
I’m a cat.
Me: Stella, do you think i’m
Of course not. You’re a hippopotamus.
what? i look nothing like a
A beluga whale, then.
Amazing you’ve survived this
long outside water.
I am serious — I’ve seen you lie
on the couch and watch golf.
You have no idea what i am,
You’re a sloth. A crustacean. A
large snail? An amalgamation of
i’m a human, Stella.
Is that like a water buffalo?
that’s nothing like a water
Funny how they look so much
Stella, humans are higher ani-
mals capable of advanced think-
ing and reasoning. they take
care of cats, for instance.
Since five seconds ago, when
you meowed at me and i fed
Wrong. I meowed to remind
you that food is necessary for
BOTH of us to survive. You forget
that every couple of hours, you
know. Humans are really dumb.
You’d sleep all night if it wasn’t
don’t we have a chicken farm?
Because we’re not chicken
That right there is your problem
in a nutshell.
hey, at least i provide a roof
over your head!
When my great desire is to live
outside — GREAT JOB reading
So you really do think cats are
smarter than humans?
I’m not the one who’s about to
open a can of wet food to keep
me from vomiting on the rug.
You wouldn’t do that.
Use your brain — of course I