Aside from having greater luck in finding sun puddles to sleep in, I don’t think
my cat, Stella, is very much aware
that the most glorious season is in
full swing. So, I decided to ask her
how she’s liking summer.
Me: It’s summer, Stella! Are you
Stella: Summer? That sounds
bad. What is it?
It’s a time when children are out
of school, for one.
Is that why they’re playing in
And rolling by on the scooters?
And waking me up from my
naps with their shrill cries?
I guess so.
And piercing shrieks?
SUMMER NEEDS TO BE
WE NEED TO STOP SUMMER!
Just so kids won’t disturb your
sleep? That’s not very nice of
I’m nice! I just don’t want the
children to get bored having fun
all day in front of my house. Why
can’t they just go to jail year-round?
Jail? They go to school, not jail.
Then let’s put ’em in jail for the
summer! That would keep them
off the streets. The streets aren’t
safe, you know.
Our streets are safe, Stella.
As an indoor cat, I think the
best place for children in the summer is jail. That’s my professional
opinion, as a pet.
Summer is supposed to be a
carefree time of fun and frivolity. Maybe you could befriend
some of the neighborhood children and enjoy yourself.
Children don’t know the first
thing about being friends with a
cat. Have you seen how a child
pets a cat? It’s like they’re trying
to sand the fur off us.
How about I give them a laser
DO NOT give those little nightmares a laser pointer.
How about a feather toy?
And get slapped in the face
with a feather 50 times?
They could toss you a crinkly
You know I don’t like people
touching my crinkly ball.
Well, what do you suggest?
I think we need to revisit jail.
How about we have the kids
next door read to you? It would
help with their reading, and you
wouldn’t have to interact with
I would need a 10-foot buffer,
We could manage that.
And grilled chicken.
You’ll get a piece or two.
And catnip to keep me from
hissing at them.
And if I fall asleep during the
reading — in fact, I’ll actively be
trying to do that — nobody wakes
me up. You got that?
They’re to file out of the house
silently and not return for a week.
Wow, this should be fun.
There’s always jail!
Enjoy the rest of your summer,
IT’S ME, THE CAT BY MICHAEL LEAVERTON
Catster.com contributing editor Michael
Leaverton has written
a wide variety of articles in the last 11 years,
very few of which after
consulting with his cat.
That ends here. Stella is a 11-year-old
Bengal with a firm editorial grip on her
handler, whom she rescued from an alt
weekly in San Francisco many meals ago.
She likes it when he writes about chicken. They currently live in San Diego.