25. You don’t get a mean thirst for
water from the bathroom sink at
exactly 4 every morning, no matter
how many pet fountains you have.
26. You don’t slide toiletries off the
sink one by one.
27. Or office supplies off the desk.
28. Or spices off the counter.
29. (Sliding spices off the counter is
just incredible, by the way.)
30. You don’t jump from the kitchen
counter to the couch.
31. Except for that one time on New
Year’s Eve. Where’s that fun person
32. You don’t raise your own chickens.
33. You don’t pluck your own chickens.
34. You don’t traffic in chickens hardly
at all, in fact.
35. Man, chicken sounds so good right
36. You don’t sit on your computer
37. You don’t sleep clear through a
38. You don’t stalk your neighbor’s
39. You don’t claw the couch every
time you pass by it.
40. You don’t fill the bathtub with
41. You don’t stare at a wall for a
42. You don’t stare at walls at all, in
43. What kind of weirdo doesn’t stare
Catster contributing editor Michael
Leaverton has written a wide variety of
articles in the last 10 years, very few of
which after consulting with his cat. That
ends here. Stella is a 10-year-old Bengal
with a firm editorial grip on her handler,
whom she rescued from an alt weekly in
San Francisco many meals ago. She likes it when he writes
about chicken. They currently live in San Diego.
Oh wait, yes you
do! Maybe you’re
not so weird
your hand and
rub your hair.
44. Youturn faucetsoff.
You don’t stand,
sit, or squat in
any package you
receive in the