IT’S ME, THE CAT BY MICHAEL LEAVERTON
Typically, my cat Stella is afraid of nothing — except for things like doorbells and
visitors and the ding of the toaster
oven. However, she goes on alert
when she sees a dog. She might not
be afraid of them, but I don’t think
she likes them — she seems baffled
by them. So, I decided to ask her
Me: So, what do you really think of
Stella: What are those?
Dogs? They’re dogs. You know —
Wait, you mean those drooling
bags of saliva? You should have just
said that. “Half-wit zombie things”
would also work. Also “mush-brained
yes-men.” Not my cup of tea, frankly.
editor Michael Leaverton
has written a wide variety
of articles in the last 10
years, very few of which
after consulting with his
cat. That ends here. Stella
is a 10-year-old Bengal with a firm editorial
grip on her handler, whom she rescued from
an alt weekly in San Francisco many meals
ago. She likes it when he writes about chick-
en. They currently live in San Diego.
You’re not a fan of dogs.
You’ve noticed they eat poop.
Well, coprophagia affects just a small
percentage of dogs. It’s hardly a reason to disparage the whole species.
They also chase cars. They get
right next to the wheels and like ...
Well, that’s mostly instinctual. Many
dogs were originally hunters.
So were cats, but you don’t see
me trying to take down a mail truck.
I’ve seen you eat a moth.
That happened once.
The look on your face, though.
At least I have the good sense to
only eat things you can eat. I’ve never
eaten a shoe, for instance. Or spackling paste. Or an oven mitt — all regular food groups of dogs, mind you.
The food pyramid of a dog includes,
like, everything in the world.
I saw you eat tinsel once.
I was flossing!
Fine. Any other reasons you think
you’re better than a dog?
Of course. How hard is pooping? I
have a box, you have a bowl, but the
dog thinks he has ... the world. Even
the kitchen floor. Even the bed!
That is a tough one.
And what’s with all the neediness?
When you come back from the
store, I don’t jump all over you like
you just got back from war. To be
honest, I can barely raise my head
after you’ve been at work all day.
That makes me sad, actually.
You’ll survive. And if anybody can
explain fetching to me, I’ll give them
Again, that’s like hunting. Like when I
turn on the laser light and …
I’M GONNA GET THAT LIGHT
No, Stella, you’re not.
I’m this close, pal.
Could all this hostility toward dogs
really be about the fact that they,
you know, chase and bark at you
What? Why on Earth would you
Because they chase and bark at you
That must be some other cat. I
run from nobody.
Let’s change track: Do you think
there’s anything good about dogs?
Oh, sure. I love how you have to
put them on a leash. God, they must