IT’S ME, THE CAT By michael leaverton
Stella Weighs in
on the Election
D I A Catster.com contributing editor Michael
Leaverton has written a wide variety of articles
with his cat, Stella. She is an 11-year-old Bengal
with a firm editorial grip on her handler, whom
she rescued from an alt weekly in San Francisco
many meals ago. She likes it when he writes
about chicken. They currently live in San Diego.
Me: Stella, who do you want to be president?
Stella: Ralph Nader!
Ralph Nader? He’s not running for president.
He is, according to the newspaper in your closet I’ve
been napping on.
Wow, I really need to clean out that closet.
He’s got some good ideas about seat belts, frankly.
How about this: Let’s say YOU were running for
president. What would you do?
That’s easy. I’d reform the chicken industry.
And how would you reform it?
I’d reform it around my house.
That only helps yourself, Stella. Isn’t there any-
thing you can do to help everybody?
I got it! I’ll solve the dog problem.
That’s the spirit. Wait, what dog problem?
I’ll deport all the dogs!
What? To where?
You can’t just deport all the dogs.
Sure you can. Just round them up, pack them on a ship,
Dogs have as much a right to be here as cats do,
Well, there must be a way to keep dogs away from
us, a sort of barrier or —
Oh, here we go.
A wall! I’ll build a big, beautiful wall between cats
and dogs. And I’ll get dog owners to pay for it.
Just let me talk to them a little while. I’m a very
Are you sure you aren’t following this year’s
Is Paul Tsongas still in it?
No. That was 1992. I’ll clean the closet tomorrow.
How about this idea: As president, I would outlaw
spaying and neutering.
That’s crazy. Who would take care of all the cats?
As president, that wouldn’t be my problem.
As president, it would be entirely your problem.
Let’s make it the vice president’s problem.
Your platform is horrible.
Here’s another: As president, I would give cats a
Who cares! And cats would not be allowed in the
military, and extended back scratches are a universal
right, not just an option doled out once a week.
You’re really all over the place on this.
I’m the last outsider. Oh, and you know how I have
a thing about Persian cats?
Don’t go there.
Hear me out. There are too many breeds, you know? I
would unite all cats under one breed — the Bengal!
You know how many decades it would take to do
I’ll do it in my first 100 days — I’m a uniter.
Hmm. Can I call my opponent a disgusting animal?
Go back to sleep, Stella.
With the 2016 presidential election reaching a fever pitch, I wondered how my cat, Stella, was taking in all the craziness — and if she had
any ideas about running herself.
FORTHE L O v EOFcATS